Anxious. Nervous. Excited. Poor. Tired. Privileged
These are all of the emotions I am feeling right now as I
sit in the airport in Managua waiting for my American Airlines flight back to
the US for the first time in over a year.
Anxious. Nervous. As I have learned from previous travels,
culture shock works both ways. It’s a shock when you arrive in a new country,
and it’s a shock when you go back home. All of the in-your-face aspects of
American Life, fast paced, advertisement filled, iphone carrying, gives me a
minor panic attack. I have been enjoying my somewhat technology disconnected,
cheap cell phone, and developing economy existence. It’s simple, it’s cheap,
it’s underwhelming. And now the prospect of getting sucked back into the stream
is a little nerve-racking.
Excited. I have been through so many changes both personally
and professionally that I am excited to introduce the new me to my family and
friends in the US. I look different, I feel different, I think different. Look
out America, here comes the new ME!
Poor. I just spent a third of what I make in a
month as a Peace Corps Volunteer on one night at a hotel. Cringe. Ouch. Don’t
forget to breathe. Not to mention the airfare is three times as much as I make
in a month. As happy as I am working as a PCV, I have to admit it is not easy
to be around people who have the ability to have an iphone, have a car (not
even a nice one, just a car!), etc. I need to make it clear that while I am happy
not having one in Nicaragua, it’s hard to be around it when in the states, especially when those that possess these objects have no
real understanding how amazing and special it is to have one.
Tired. I thought I was just going to hop on the bus to Managua
this morning and get off at the airport, get on my flight and be back in the
US. Well that was until I heard there was going to be a roadblock between where
I live and Managua TODAY! So I literally threw things into my bag (luckily it
was already mostly packed), blew kisses at my homestay family, left the pan of
brownies I had made for a friend’s birthday cooling on the stove, and ran to
catch the last express bus to Managua. On the way texted friends letting them
know that I had to cancel our plans for last night due to the situation, and
stayed the night at the hotel near the airport. But that’s not why I’m tired.
I’m tired because it’s hard to be a Peace Corps Volunteer and be an
overachiever at the same time. Haha. I say this half seriously, and half jokingly.
I see so many things that I want to do, or help with, or just the constant
running back and forth between schools, on foot or public transportation, the
heat, the rain. It just eventually catches up to you, especially when you stop.
Privileged. As I sit here thinking about how nervous I am to
go back, because I don’t have as much money as others, or that I am afraid to
get sucked into the commercial stream, I also realize how incredibly blessed
and privileged I am to even be sitting here worrying about this. Most of the
people I live and work with here in Nicaragua can only dream about visiting the
United States for two weeks. It’s hard to realize that as much as I am
integrated into my Nicaraguan life, I am also just that easily removed from it
and the hardships that it might imply. Crap… feeling an existential crisis
coming on haha.
So that is my cathartic rant for the moment. I can now
forget those fears and just be excited to see family and friends that I haven’t
seen in over a year, celebrate a friend’s wedding, and relax with my puppy (who
is a giant dog by now!). Holy cow. America! Here I come!
